In my true state of being I have no pain, no sorrow, no grief. I am free sensual all inclusive consciousness. And that is beautiful know.
Before I go on with updates on my life, I want to take a closer look at my recent decisions regarding being open, no only in real life, but online as well.
The difference of being open in real life and on the internet
A big part of how I was raised is related to guard, shield and hide myself. Why? Read my blog from last month to read more about how my father raised me.
The ‘what if’ played a big part of my life. In regards to most of my day to day and major actions. What if?
So taking the step of putting the article out about emotional abuse was a big step, because: What if people won’t like me after they find out how it really was? What about potential employers? What about being labelled and the list goes on and on. You know what, I need to share. I am still here today, and a big part of that is because of other people who have opened up and shared their life stories.
Story Time: I grew up with my own pc
A big part of my choices here in life have been affected by the internet. Yes the internet. I grew up with the newest technology, had my own pc from the age of 2-3 years and am born in 1986.
Some of my earliest memoires include: Me playing Hugo and eating Super Piratos (super salty liquorice) dipped in milk.
Access to technology
In that sense I am probably one of few who had this privilege. Many of my peers did not have access to this technology, and if they had access, they had to share.
My father was a civil engineer and a programmer. He had his own company, that in my early childhood dealt with computers and hardware. It was his life, so he shared with us.
When the internet came, I was lucky to be one of those who could use the internet. We had it, and I had my own connection. We were the first the get ADSL in our area. In those years I chatted a lot and was quite forward in technology compared to my peers.
Nerd alert – almost avoided
At some point my father switched from Windows to Linux. And he hated Apple with a passion, until the day he died. To a certain extend I am blessed for the switch, as in the early Linux days, one couldn’t play games. I had become quite a big Lara Croft – Tomb Raider fan.
Let me elaborate on why that switch in hindsight was good: I was quite nerdy anyway, as I was bullied with my glasses and braces. So maybe it made me be in the real world more? I think it did. Or at least I spend more time on the internet, doing research.
How the internet saved my life
So IT has always been part of my life, and surely the internet has been very vital for my survival. It even plays a big role in me and my families recovery from illness.
For me, I was able to find people in similar situations. read their stories etc. My parents are, to say the least, very intelligent people, they do score high in intelligence tests. Hence they were able to understand how things work, and come to their own conclusions when the conventional way did not work.
Illness and self help, but keep quite
The thing is I was told, to keep most of what we did for home protocols at home, very quite. Not to share it with others. And to a certain extend, some of the things we did, and still do, is not something the common person can relate too. For sure.
The thing is, if I hadn’t been able to do my own research, I would not have taken some of the advice my parents gave me. For sure. I thought my fatehrs was mentally sick (depending on how you view that, he was), so why would I trust his health advice if I couldn’t know it was true? Thank you internet.
But Masum, are you not worried that you won’t be able to get a job when you write about these things? You know that people do research?
Well you know what, I was unemployed for a year and a half. Although I did do an internship for 10 of those months, that were very good for my professional skills.
Working in the true path of my education, is not for me. I always wanted an higher education, which I got. I am proud of my masters degree. But the things is, I indistinctly knew that my path was outside my degree. I sort of just wanted the tools of an academic.So I got them.
How much I would be outside that box, well, I couldn’t have foreseen that.
Whatever I have done in India, has been eye opening, as nothing of what I have done here in the West seems to be against Eastern philosophies. My way berfore, is very much in line with Eastern culture.
It is interesting how many things, health wise that I have spoken to people about in India, and only Indians living a more western work life, are not understanding of my choices. Older people, and people on a spiritual path have shown understanding of my doings. Which I had no idea was possible. Ayurveda and Yoga are those of understanding, and of embracing different paths.
My current path is to share
So, all in all: I want to share. I have been through a lot health wise, mentally and physically. At some point I was barely able to get out ned of because of joint pain, depression and KOHL lungs (at the lowest they were functioning at 61 percent).
It is time for me to also share on the internet.
Since my father passed away and especially during my time in India, I began opening up on Facebook. And I know for a fact that some people have been inspired, felt better, and been happy about my openness. Bless.
There is so much to share, so much to talk about
I have a few subjects that I feel my heart is yearning for when it comes to my future work life and writings. If you follow me on YouTube, you will get a hint of some of those subjects are. The rest I haven’t shared. Yet. All in time.
Now the update begins
Now its tome for the general update on my life as it is right now, what I have done lately and what my plans may or may not entail for the future.
Business and teaching
I’ve seen that I have been selling myself too cheap in regards to my actual pricing in Denmark when it comes to therapies and teachings. Whatever I am getting now, well, is how it is. It barely covers food, but I also don’t need more right now, until we move. So that itself is fine.
The teachings from AlakhYog
I learned a lot during my time with AlakhYog. I found home and a tribe, where I feel accepted on a whole new level. This text is not about that though, but more about learning my own worth. As I talked with Hari, Amit, Madhu, Diego, Kerri and others about many times, life in India is different. These conversations helped me prepare to come back to the West. Although nothing could compare my completely. It has been a challenge.
Life as a sadhu (student) in India is very simple. Even if you live in a big city in India, there are still certain values that will make that life very much different than compared to western lifestyle. There simply is less bureaucracy. Off course being a foreigner helps. But the openness there, is opposite here, where being foreign is not a good thing.
My journey the last two months in Denmark has been to integrate this knowledge that resides deep inside me.
Being part of AlakhYog, I started seeing that ‘this’ really is my lively hood. Whatever ‘this’ is, I have a lot to offer. At least I have some experiences that give me understanding of some things. This allows me to live.
The future and Masum
I feel confident about the future. As I saw in my meeting with Aya, to trust the greater forces, really is a much easier way of life.
I gain some trust then I am tested in new ways. Life is beautiful.
Some ‘misunderstandings’ upon my return
My mother was sure that I was in a different place upon my return to Denmark. I was sure of that too.
It was in the middle of October 2016, that I fully accepted coming back. Something was pulling me. Namely to help my my mother clear out my fathers belongings to let that part of our life go to start new lives completely on our own. Which is well over due. But, I was not where we thought I was.
Taking decisions when they should be taken
As of the last two months, I have been worrying of where to go what to do, as my mother is leaving for India soon. My whole security blanket is pulled out from underneath me.
I see now, that I trust the forces around me, and all is good. They know what they are doing. I know what I am doing on a deeper level. I trust myself. In addition this means that I am not taking any big decisions,. just taking small ideas here and there. Where to live? No idea. And that is beautiful.
Thoughts on the big ones: Love life, friends, marriage and children
I have always been seeking love from others, be it friends or lovers.
Caring for myself first before loving others
It seems so simple and yet I see it now. How could I love another being, if I didn’t shed the layers that prevent me from seeing myself? It makes sense now, that the past has influenced this, a great deal.
Having children? Yes, thank you
If you know me, and know me well, you know this is a very big statement for me.
Connecting to my true self, was, and still is an honour. It was truly beautiful. I see that I am indeed capable of being a mother. You know what: I DO want to get married and have children. I actually prefer to have a life where I am home, at least part time, to take care of my future children.
The Danish way, with the mother working full time, even 30 hours, is not for me. My future children need me. So does the house and the future husband. How can I cook, be loving etc. if all I do is work outside the house, and try to manage bad conscience towards the children when I am home? Nope.
Not feeling like I was good enough to be a mother
I was always on the defence to have children, as I never (as my friend Heidi said) felt like I could offer a living human being anything. So seeing that I have lots to offer, is truly beautiful. At the end: I will be a good mother. With lots of love and care.
It comes down to letting my guards down, and taking in the whole experience of life.
Simple living, yes thank you
Throughout the last few years, I have been constantly downsizing my personal belongings. I met quite a few people whom have questioned this. Questioned my ability to live in simplicity. Looking back, they projected their insecurities on me.
I haven’t had my own home in 3 years (I did have my own room in India. Where the longest was 6 months at a Paying Guesthouse, where none of the furniture was mine – but it was my home for sure, I was just painfully aware that there were limits – no male visitors etc). Which is fine.
What do I really need?
It feels very good to downsize even more. I see that my needs are less, way less than before. I did not have a chair in Bangalore, as there was no need for it. My room was too small for a chair, so I mostly sat on the floor or the bed.
I love beautiful garments, clothing and jewellery. Although my style has changed quite a lot, I haven’t been chucking too much stuff out, besides some black items that I know I won’t wear again.
Becoming that eccentric woman?
Well, I prefer to wear gold jewellery, natural fabrics, preferably vegetarian and to have enough to live, travel, pay off my loan and have a good life. But working in a good way that I can manage.
Soon there will be more articles. They are just around the corner. This update felt urgent somehow. Maybe it is a preprocessor to the topics I cover in the other posts. Who knows. I just follow my instincts.
Thank you so much for reading