It is time for me to share my experience with Ayahuasca and the integration work I’ve been doing. To be more precise, I talk about my third ceremony. For your convenience, and because I like to talk, I recorded a video 🙂 The link is below. I go into WAY more into detail in the text. The video is for an overview. For some of you who don’t know me, or haven’t seen me in a few years watching the video will make sense as well as reading the blog.
If you wonder why you haven’t seen anything about the first and second journey, you are right. It comes down to my time management, moving and my own process of what happened. I have a draft about on two first ceremonies, so it is in the making
I am not a health care physician in terms of Alopathy (Western medicine) or any other kind of Western recognized health care professional. I am primarily a yoga teacher and certified Ayurvedic therapist from India, and also happen to have a masters degree in arts (hence my interest in writing).
This is my experience.
In my humble experience, Ayahuasca it not something you take just to have a party with yourself, love everybody, see awesome psychedelic patterns, nor is it a shortcut, as some people have suggested. Rather it is a medicine that shamans in the Americas have been using for thousands of years. There are other more well documented articles out there if you want to learn more.
How to use Ayahuasca in my opinion
What Ayahuasca is, it is a tool you can use to look at yourself and see what you need to change in order to get on in your life, get yourself sorted. It helps you release what you need to let go of. It can also connect you to the universe if you believe in those things.
Once you have met Spirit, Spirit keeps working on you, long after the substance itself has left your body. That is where the real magic begins.
If you are not willing to work on what comes up, during and after, this is not for you. It can be very intense, as you will read.
My third ceremony
This ceremony was with Healing Rejser. This time it was a ceremony for the guides. My two other ceremonies were as a client.
The setup during this ceremony was like a workshop where the Shaman, Bjarne, tests out new things to do at the retreats, plus give us some information about the company and all that jazz.
Preparing for the worst
Since this was my third trip, I was freaking myself somewhat out. My two first experiences had been very loving and caring. The to do list was more to be in tune with myself and love myself, don’t be so hard on myself.
Ever since the first journey, I had Mother Aya present in me almost all the time. I needed comfort and company.
I wanted to see my demons right in the eyes! Time to face them. Now was the time to see it, or so I thought. It just happened after the ceremony instead.
The day before the ceremony
As usual, there are some preparatory exercises, this day is no different. We do some new exercises.
Day of the ceremony
Setting my intention(s)
I get the big glass of Ayahuasca. As I sit with my glass, my intention becomes 3 parts-ish. I can’t remember the exact wordings, as I write. While I sit I can’t remember my prior thoughts of intention. Instead I set the intentions that come up.
Firstly I ask to get a closer look at my intuition and see others in my journey, then I want to get BIG answers to my love life, (my life in general, that is) and off course I want to lay still as a rock while traveling – that makes the journey deeper right?
I forget to say anything to myself about the intention that had made me nervous the last two weeks. The intention of seeing my demons.
The others travel, I feel left behind
I drink the tea. Nothing happens. NOTHING. The Shaman, Bjarne, starts to sing (means he is feeling the medicine). Nothing happens to me.
Then the new music starts
Mind you, I’d been watching Dexter on a rerun the upcoming weeks. Jesus Mother of whatever. I start getting these extreme violent, bloody visions. I’m not scared. I just wonder, why it’s being shown to me (as I edit this, I understand why this was shown to me. Why? I will keep to myself for the time being).
Seeing creepy things
Snakes inside me, brains and blood. ‘Oh well’ I think to myself, ‘is this what you will give me for 6-8 hours? Ok. Bring it on’. At some point it stops. I’m relieved.
Getting my intention fulfilled
Now it changes. I now travel to meet other people. This part of the journey is not clear to me, as I write. I have some heart to heart talks with people I know and feel their energies.
During these talks I wonder where the psychedelic patterns are? It should be here, right? This time in the journey? Again the topic of expectations is surrounding me.
My dancing body
At some point it starts. The goddamn desire to move, to dance. COME ON!!! Why do I HAVE to move??????
‘I am supposed to be still, having a very deep journey’ I think to myself.
SLAM: ‘You have too many expectations! And you always had to be still in your body language around your father, as you never new what would trigger his anger’ SLAM DANG.
I fight myself. So much, My expectations, my desire to move, all my thoughts about this man I was expecting too see soon, why why why why why is he being like this? I am so aware.
At some point I touch my skin. And again, I make a comparison. To my other two journeys, where I was reborn.
A small recap of my birth
A small note, to understand this. My mother had severe pre-eclampsia, which means she was basically allergic to me and I didn’t get enough nutrients in the womb. I was taken out by emergency caesarian. The doctors, apparently, came out to my father saying: ‘We don’t know if any of them will survive’.
I weighed in at 1,950 kg. Around 3 weeks early.
Flashback to my first retreat: Born through a human-leg-birth-canal
I probably screamed top 2 loudest, and I cried, and cried and cried after. But mot important I was newly born and had finally fought myself out into the world.
Finally, I claimed my space.
Back to ceremony 3 and my body
Somehow I expect to get to feel my body like in ceremony 1 and 2. I am annoyed. I want to feel reborn again.
Of course, I ask her, why does my body feel normal? She replies, nicely bur firmly: ‘You’re already reborn in this life. Deal with what you have’. SLAM.
Being aware and yet traveling
I feel frustrated. I am so present. She tells me to look inside for the answers. Not outside. This includes Ayahuasca ceremonies. Not that I should not do it again, just that I’m ready to be on my own and have things to face in my normal life (This message is vital in regards to what happens the following weeks).
Again I come into the state where nothing matters. I don’t care. This is similar to my other journeys.
Nothing matters. And it is all just my own imagination. My own fucking fantasy. I put these issues, illusions, fears in my head. There are no dark sides, no nothing. Just my own stories.
I stay a long time in this phase where nothing matters. I see my own delusions, and I laugh at it.
The female shaman told me the day after, that I had apparently laughed at some point in ceremony where things were very serious. I don’t remember, I just had a laugh at my own stupidity.
Time to return
After we come back, some of us venture outside in the sun. I was sunburned the day before. Hence I stay inside.
Being comfortable in my own skin
During all my Ayahuasca ceremonies I experienced a STRONG urge to get naked. I never acted on it. During my third ceremony I went to the extend of removing my top, so my sports bra was exposed.
A note on nakedness
I’m not shy around a partner. Actually I’m good with naked, until we have to sleep. I never felt comfortable being completely naked, so I always had underwear.
Shamed for my body
Sexuality and nudity was heavily tabooed in my upbringing, so my relationship to sexuality shameful for many years. I always felt deep shame towards my body. Therefore I ended up in some rather unfavorable situations throughout the years.
Human touch has been de-sexualised for me. Touch was not something we did much in our family. So it was always awkward for me to hug or touch others. In my late teens I was very much aware of this, I never understood why people had to touch so much. Hence all touch became almost sexual. It was quite frustrating for me.
Since the last two weeks I’ve bee able to receive touch and cuddle without it being a sexual thing. Just a human act.
Back to the sun
After the ceremony is over, I venture outside. Somehow I end up being the first one naked to the panties. More follow me and undress. Still with their panties on. Shortly after I go inside, and I say ‘its the naked club outside’. Of course I’m being told: You’re not naked. Is this your last inhibition?
Yes. Yes it was I admit to them and to myself.
Two minutes later the person who asked me, is outside and completely naked. Of course I throw my panties in solidarity. I enjoy laying naked on the grass. It feels perfect. Wow. I am me.
Coming home integrating my journey
One of the biggest, or should I say, first realizations I experience in this ceremony, is the idea of me wanting this ‘vegetable state’ journey. Instead I am told that my body language was heavily censored by myself most of my life. My fathers legacy shows itself. It is the first time my father is directly mixed into a journey.
The last months have all been about unraveling whatever happened in my life regarding my father. Accepting and telling about it, putting words on it.
Accepting that things were bad
There are plenty of people who’ve had it worse than me. But what ever happened inside our house, is not acceptable nor within the norm of socially acceptable parenting from my fathers side. I’ve talked about it before, and what I realized lately I have written a blog post about as well as this text:
I learned this in my last Ayahuasca journey. My actions were always very controlled.
How to avoid making my father upset.
How I put down the cup quietly. So he wouldn’t get angry with the noise.
How I don’t ask for help. When I did, I would sooner or later be blamed for not being good enough.
How I’m afraid that people just turn 180 degrees on me. He always said one thing, and later it would be opposite. And then blame me for doing what he had said first. He of course could never recollect this.
How I … Many things. The list goes on.
I see it now.
Always alert. Never any mental rest. Always having an explanation ready for the smallest things.
Many of my routines were not to his taste. I had to defend myself. Sometimes when my parents came over I made small changes to my routines. Just to please him. So he wouldn’t find a reason to be angry. So I did things how he would have them.
But. He always found a reason to belittle me, yell at me. I was never good enough. My actions were always to spite him, he told me.
So when I tell you, that I’m happy he died of a brain tumor. I mean it. He was charming to the outside. But very different at home. It came more out in the later years. Maybe that’s why he also kept to himself even more.
I am aware of how I was behaving just after he died, what I said, even on Facebook.
The grieving child, right? I had to put on a mask to fit in. Or so I told myself. I should be sad. I was actually more angry and I couldn’t truly understand why.
Nobody really knew what was going in our house behind closed doors. He made sure of that. He installed a huge fear to loose his conditioned love. So I never went for the person I wanted to love, hid my navel piercing for 10 years, partied too much etc.
I’ve hurt a lot of friends too. I couldn’t speak to my closest friends about the core issues. How really felt. It would always come back to feeling of be betraying him. Also why I’m so public. Everything was private and not spoken of.
I’ve shared few things with someone, but not the entire picture. I think they knew. They couldn’t do much.
I kept his secret for a long time. Even after he died. I tried grieving with sadness. It didn’t work. I was free. It’s been more than two years. It’s still a process.
My biggest job these months is undoing, undoing many things. Be honest towards myself. Do things I love. Be authentic towards myself. I never was in my daily life. There were some things I couldn’t suppress, like changing University.
Did you know that I was so scared to tell him I dropped out, that I waited until I stood on my parents living room in Switzerland before I dared to tell them? Was scared he would cancel my ticket to see them or talk me out of it or renounce me?
The renunciation or suicide-threats were quite common when things didn’t go up his alley.
I’m tired of that life. A life built on fear. A life where my father was in every single second in my head. Fear to answer the phone.
I see some deep patterns. And I’m fortunate enough to be able to work on them.
Life is pretty good. And I feel happy to work on myself.
Why do share this? Because all my life was trying to please someone else. Not in the family kind of way, but in a sick twisted way. There was never room for discussions. He always got his way, one way or the other.
And I wondered why I couldn’t sleep/still can’t? I was busy making excuses for everything I did. What if he asked me about something? I always needed a ‘valid-to his belief system answer
As you see from this text, there is quite a lot of things coming up. A lot to work on. This was the biggest realization. It has to come out. Most of it is something I can change. It is a matter of patterns. Patterns are there to be changed.
My life as a people-pleasing person
All I did was trying to please my parents. Furthermore I even changed stuff around in the house when they visited. This was the sad hope he would not bicker at me for whatever reason he would have to not be satisfied with me.
I see that I’ve been doing things that I not really wanted to do. As I tried to please other people so I ended going a little too much with the flow. In that way I just pushed my own needs a side. Hence I’ve been trying to please so much, that I’ve compromised myself.
The ability to laugh
I feel laughter much more in me the last months. Things are not so serious. I was always very serious. Not a fun person. Others laughed at my jokes, that were not really jokes, just statements.
Maybe you wonder if I got my answers? Not really. I got something else. Surely I did not get answer to my love life, nor my further path in life. I think she has more
Ayahuasca is powerful
In my opinion Ayahuasca works on many levels. When Healing Rejser recommends you to talk to a professional after a ceremony. I fully understand that.
You can take so much from Ayahuasca, but you have to be willing to work with yourself. No matter the cost. Because once you open the bag of worms, you have to look at them, and throw them out of your life.
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